Veering towards the start of the 3rd trimester, i can't help a sense of panic and fear mounting. Panic of what's coming up, fear of the unknown. And in recent days.. frustration.
With the swine flu moving towards us, i feel the urgent need to get things done. Getting all prepared for Megan's arrival. So far we've got the infant car seat and stroller. My dear sis had generously offer to sponsor the cot/playyard and that took a load off. And i got all the other itsy bitsy swirling about in my head: bottles, sterilizers, nipple cream, nursing bra, glider, mattress... what else have i missed?!!! It is getting overwhelming.
And you would think that's all a first time mummy-to-be has to worry. Far from it. It had been settled, or so i thought. Thanks (or no thanks) to the advice of people around us.. i now have to battle it out again. If i had known it will be forced on me, i will never have taken this path in the first instance. There are things i feel strongly about and i deserve respect on that. I wish people will just bug off.
I'm scared. Of what will come up next. I see a whole new set of issues and challenges. What will it change? Me physically definitely. Honestly, it's pretty terrifying watching myself change outwardly. Today at Compass Point, i saw a few preggos and i realised with a jolt, i'm looking like "one of them". And for a moment, i felt depressed. I dont wanna look like "one of them". It's strange, i don't know how to explain it. Having an insensitive husband who calls me names, jokingly or not, doesnt help one bit. At this point, i dont care for such humour.
And recently it got me thinking what else in my life will change. For the better or worse? I'm terrified... really terrified. Why do i feel the oppressive need to prove myself? To be the perfect mother, the loving wife, who has to keep the house spic and span and at the same time bring back the dough. And if i dont score an A in every role, the job goes to the next person. Then all i'm relegate down to is just a baby-making machine who brings home the money. This is not what i sign up for. Push me any further and i'll bail. I seriously will.
I've come to a point where i ask myself, what is the point in everything i'm doing? Why am i working so hard for? To pass on the baton to someone else? I'm beginning to hate those people who are making me go down that road. And really.. what defines a woman? The roles she plays well?
I'm sick and tired of all this. I'm terrified of what's coming. I wanna pack my bag and head for Narnia. And did i mention my dreams are coming back? Crap..
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